Drama, and a family.

        So we find ourselves  alone a lot. i am just now realizing how strange it is to be home most of the time and go out on the weekends. My home is my full time job,  I live here so instead of it being a calm situation, a lot of the time it's like I never leave work. The balance between comforts of home and work of home are extremely blended here .Most of the time i am okay with that.  I am okay with going out on the weekends (which for us is Saturday night and Sunday. ) most of the time i am okay just being with my family. I am okay snuggling and spoiling my dog. I am okay with pretending my cats would still love me even if  I didn't feed them. (Cats only care about food, it's the one thing they live for. )
     I find myself typing this so i can tell you one thing, Please understand that when you are a friend of someone who has a child that requires a lot of care and consideration the parents are exhausted most of the time.  I am so grateful and i sincerely appreciate every thing you do. please don't ever feel stupid for offering to help with anything. Even if it's something we can't do we are so grateful you ask.  We have two kids, we always keep both in mind when we are considering something for them to do.
  My child who needs a lot of attention and care isn't stupid she knows she has a few challenges that makes life hard for her. she knows her mama is exhausted. She knows her sister is stressed. She also knows she can't do what he sister can right now. It breaks her heart, It breaks mine. we make a lot of choices based on the entire family. My children also have identities  of their own. This year we chose to let the little sister get some extra care. She has come first in a lot of the choices we have made. big sister gets to tag along to appointments every week when i am sure she would rather do something else. Big sister chooses to take it. She choses to sit and wait while she watches her sister get to play and be with other kids. the truth is, big sister has gotten a lot. She has gotten to go to co op classes while her little sister was at home with mom. People step to help big sister and i am so grateful. big sister has a chance to live a life outside of her sister.
    One day, I hope we can find a place for all of us to be happy. For all of us to have a place with friends and family. A place that we can be comfortable. All of us. At the beginning of this school year, i chose to have a family that made choices together. I chose to find a place we can all be happy together. I hope that's not in vain. I guess i am at the point now, I realize it might just not happen. I am not okay with splitting us up one night even if it is just a few hours a week. I understand about sleep overs and being away from the parents. one at a time is fine.
    We work as a team. We have to. I am hanging on to the arms of each one of my family members I am just too weak to do anything alone even if it is just to take one kid to a class and find something else for another kids to do. It might not be the wisest of choices. but it's where I find my strength and my sanity. and yes, my oldest is okay. She loves her sister and understands. Just in case i am setting some appointments up for her to see a therapist. It's a lot for a kid to take in. She is healing as well. this is her normal and i don't think she completely understands how hard it is. She just trucks through it. my kids are incredibly spoiled and we do all that we can to let them both know that are amazing. It's a strange place we have found ourselves in, but i am hell bent on finding what ever it is we need. We will find our place, and we will do it together,