All i ever wanted from you was a friend. What an amazing feeling ti was to see a real live person. wonderfully enough a girl to be a friend. you were my age, you were perfect. We spent hours and years together. I remember some telling us we were like simease twins in seperatable. that wasn't the truth but i am sure it appered that way. I remember you telling me having a friend saved your life more than once. you told me it kept you from doing really stupid things in your youth.
    When i srarted dating my husband, he heard nothing but of you. We have conversations back and forth about how this situation should be. We tried to add you to the things we did, but it just didn't work. Perople just assumed that he and i only wanted to be together and not with friends. and let me stop right there and tell you that is the things most younger married couple hate. We still wanted to hang out with friends.
      I got married and we were poor. we had nothing but we were happy. We had sex all the time like any newly wed couple. We lived off chocolate, coffee, ramen noodles, rice aroni and mac and cheese. WE also occasionally had hamburger meat from friends who gae it to us. mom would buy us fruits and veggies and we would watch sponge bob on stolen cable. (the lnadlord was the one that hooked it up not us )
   Slowly everyone started doing their own things, slowly we lost almost all of the community we had been a part of. I have gone to realize in nature people don't want to go out of a comfort zone. If the situation sucks they will run far far away.
   Life happened a few years later we saw some of our old friends. then agian quick as lighting they all went away agian. We got used to it. I guess coupless people are scared if they hang out with parents of young kids they will get the disease themselves. which in all honestly it is scary ar first.
   Then an amazing thing happened my kids all of a suden grew up, they became my best friends. but stil something just doesn't feel right.
    it pisses me off that i can live in my house for a week with out really seeing aperson or talking to a person face to face (other than people who live here)  I don't lno waht is going on. I am sure some peopel feel the exact way. I was spending time with my husvand the other night and i realized as if coming out of a dream. All of the plans i had were squashed that sometimes as lovely as lie is , and amazing as it can be over and over agian. some things just suck. some things will always be the same and some things with alwas change.
    I don't want to be the jack ass who is an umatue winning bitch about everything. Then agian i don't reall give a rats ass what anyone thinks. I feel like soneone should have to be a part of a persons life to make any judgement calls on it in the first place.
    IT's taken me about three years to really get it down and figures out a lot of things about myself. 1. I give everything i have to my kids, if there is anything left hubby get a slice, and thn there are crumbs for me. lately it's been a slice for me a crumb for hubby and the rest of the cake for the kids.

   I have sensory prcessing disorder just like my daughter does, this causes me to be "awkward: I get that is caues a lot of poeple to not really be attaratecd to being my riend. It cause  a lot of people to talk behind my back and make up stories because they don't know me. I guess they want to same something, i guess in thier heads they want to know what is going on.


okay, so forgive me for the ranting. I need to do somthing with this inside me. I am generally happy I love my family to peices, but as much as i try to wrap my head around it, as much as i should either talk to you or let it go. I can't .

Somehow in conversation, Mister Rodgers came up. I realized he was so important because he made me feel important, and loved for who i was. For once i didn't feel weird about being sensitive, He went out of his way to make me feel like i was a part of his every day lives.
    Around the time i was watching Mister Rodgers, an important man came to be in my life. My mother's father died when she was five. When i was about five i was introducted to my step grandfather. For some reason this man show me for who i was. He could see through the outside of me and know i had a heart of gold inside of me. He went out of his way to make sure me and my family were taken care of. In many ways, he was a hero to me. This man was called papaw and in  every way desereved his title from me. He had lots of biological grandchildren but i was made to feel just as special. Sadly the world lost a great man too early. Much like Mister Rogers my grandfather's life was taken way too soon. Bone cancer slowly ate away at the man i so much admired. I walked into his hospital room. he was delirious eith pain meds, and he said "there is my little girl" I have been waiting on you. thatnks for coming to see me. I can't swear he said my name, I can't swear he even really knew who i was, but it meant the world to the eight year old that never really could find her place. My grandfather's love lasted a long time in my heart. After the years passed he had been gone longer than he was in my life. The impact of his kindness still remains. my mom told me grandpaw was in heaven taming wild lions and tigers for me to play with when i was finally ready to go to heaven. At night i woul look up at the stars and tell God to tell grandpa things for me.  I don't know how that works, but it makes me happy thinking about it. My dog cocoa and i would sit for hourrs on the porch of my grandfathers home in which he allowed my family to stay rent free. he also made a way for it to be ours even after he passed. MY parents never left that home untill right before my grandmother passed. The home was given back to his biological home. I am forever greatful to have grown up in a rural area outside of the city limits where I could catch fifrefire and admire the stars. The eight year old in me wouldn't have survived with out that home and the land. I needed it to grow up on and grandpa knew that.
    I sti here typing from a computer in my former grandmother's home this is the house my mother grew up in.my parents are allowing my kids to grow up in a house outside of city limits. They can catch fire fly and look at the stars. They can hold their dogs adn talk to the stars. :) They have the blessing of seeing their great grandmother every day in this home and in the yard.