All i ever wanted from you was a friend. What an amazing feeling ti was to see a real live person. wonderfully enough a girl to be a friend. you were my age, you were perfect. We spent hours and years together. I remember some telling us we were like simease twins in seperatable. that wasn't the truth but i am sure it appered that way. I remember you telling me having a friend saved your life more than once. you told me it kept you from doing really stupid things in your youth.
    When i srarted dating my husband, he heard nothing but of you. We have conversations back and forth about how this situation should be. We tried to add you to the things we did, but it just didn't work. Perople just assumed that he and i only wanted to be together and not with friends. and let me stop right there and tell you that is the things most younger married couple hate. We still wanted to hang out with friends.
      I got married and we were poor. we had nothing but we were happy. We had sex all the time like any newly wed couple. We lived off chocolate, coffee, ramen noodles, rice aroni and mac and cheese. WE also occasionally had hamburger meat from friends who gae it to us. mom would buy us fruits and veggies and we would watch sponge bob on stolen cable. (the lnadlord was the one that hooked it up not us )
   Slowly everyone started doing their own things, slowly we lost almost all of the community we had been a part of. I have gone to realize in nature people don't want to go out of a comfort zone. If the situation sucks they will run far far away.
   Life happened a few years later we saw some of our old friends. then agian quick as lighting they all went away agian. We got used to it. I guess coupless people are scared if they hang out with parents of young kids they will get the disease themselves. which in all honestly it is scary ar first.
   Then an amazing thing happened my kids all of a suden grew up, they became my best friends. but stil something just doesn't feel right.
    it pisses me off that i can live in my house for a week with out really seeing aperson or talking to a person face to face (other than people who live here)  I don't lno waht is going on. I am sure some peopel feel the exact way. I was spending time with my husvand the other night and i realized as if coming out of a dream. All of the plans i had were squashed that sometimes as lovely as lie is , and amazing as it can be over and over agian. some things just suck. some things will always be the same and some things with alwas change.
    I don't want to be the jack ass who is an umatue winning bitch about everything. Then agian i don't reall give a rats ass what anyone thinks. I feel like soneone should have to be a part of a persons life to make any judgement calls on it in the first place.
    IT's taken me about three years to really get it down and figures out a lot of things about myself. 1. I give everything i have to my kids, if there is anything left hubby get a slice, and thn there are crumbs for me. lately it's been a slice for me a crumb for hubby and the rest of the cake for the kids.

   I have sensory prcessing disorder just like my daughter does, this causes me to be "awkward: I get that is caues a lot of poeple to not really be attaratecd to being my riend. It cause  a lot of people to talk behind my back and make up stories because they don't know me. I guess they want to same something, i guess in thier heads they want to know what is going on.


okay, so forgive me for the ranting. I need to do somthing with this inside me. I am generally happy I love my family to peices, but as much as i try to wrap my head around it, as much as i should either talk to you or let it go. I can't .