Some days

When everything hurts.

I do okay most days. I actually mentally feel pretty stable right now. I admit my phone has been in my hand pretty much all week unless I have been sleeping. Which I haven't,so......
I woke this morning hurting. My child has been sleeping in my bed agian and it's miserable. She weighs 60 pounds and is just about as big as I am.
  I feel like I have a respitory virus. My chest hurts when I breathe. I have had 20 ounces of coffee it seems and still nothing. I hurt. My child lost it on me when I told her no computer after being in it practically all day. She fights with me a lot, and then she snuggles and gets mad about the situation. I am trying to wean my kids off of mine craft. They had been attached to it almost as bad as me with the phone.
     I admit it's probablly to deattach to the real world. It's probablly so they can do what they want to and not have the limits like they do it real life. Damn it, I try so hard to be everything h for them, and one of them doesn't understand hard work is the only way anyone gets anything. She thinks it's handed to them. I don't think she understands the concept not because she is a brat but because it's a concept and not a physical concrete thing she can touch.
It's been a hard year, I am so ready to see it go away, physically I am healing. Mentally I am as well but gosh darn it I am exhausted.

I wonder if you would treat me the same, if you knew.
I am not one to keep secrets. I am pretty much open and honest about too many things.
Unanswered texts. Unanswered emails. I wonder if your feeling towards something else is taken out on me. I am learning to have a tougher skin. I am learning not to let other people get to me.
I hate when people judge from what they see not what they know. Wonder if you know about my struggle with bi polar depression. Wonder if you know about my ADHD. Wonder if you knew about my struggle with self worth. Wonder if you knew how much I love you.
  Would you treat me differently if you knew of my personal struggles with acceptance. Wonder if you knew I love you for who you are. I love you for your struggles. I love the way you fight. I admire  you. I just wish you would know that I am here I want to fight with you. You don't have to be alone.

All i ever wanted from you was a friend. What an amazing feeling ti was to see a real live person. wonderfully enough a girl to be a friend. you were my age, you were perfect. We spent hours and years together. I remember some telling us we were like simease twins in seperatable. that wasn't the truth but i am sure it appered that way. I remember you telling me having a friend saved your life more than once. you told me it kept you from doing really stupid things in your youth.
    When i srarted dating my husband, he heard nothing but of you. We have conversations back and forth about how this situation should be. We tried to add you to the things we did, but it just didn't work. Perople just assumed that he and i only wanted to be together and not with friends. and let me stop right there and tell you that is the things most younger married couple hate. We still wanted to hang out with friends.
      I got married and we were poor. we had nothing but we were happy. We had sex all the time like any newly wed couple. We lived off chocolate, coffee, ramen noodles, rice aroni and mac and cheese. WE also occasionally had hamburger meat from friends who gae it to us. mom would buy us fruits and veggies and we would watch sponge bob on stolen cable. (the lnadlord was the one that hooked it up not us )
   Slowly everyone started doing their own things, slowly we lost almost all of the community we had been a part of. I have gone to realize in nature people don't want to go out of a comfort zone. If the situation sucks they will run far far away.
   Life happened a few years later we saw some of our old friends. then agian quick as lighting they all went away agian. We got used to it. I guess coupless people are scared if they hang out with parents of young kids they will get the disease themselves. which in all honestly it is scary ar first.
   Then an amazing thing happened my kids all of a suden grew up, they became my best friends. but stil something just doesn't feel right.
    it pisses me off that i can live in my house for a week with out really seeing aperson or talking to a person face to face (other than people who live here)  I don't lno waht is going on. I am sure some peopel feel the exact way. I was spending time with my husvand the other night and i realized as if coming out of a dream. All of the plans i had were squashed that sometimes as lovely as lie is , and amazing as it can be over and over agian. some things just suck. some things will always be the same and some things with alwas change.
    I don't want to be the jack ass who is an umatue winning bitch about everything. Then agian i don't reall give a rats ass what anyone thinks. I feel like soneone should have to be a part of a persons life to make any judgement calls on it in the first place.
    IT's taken me about three years to really get it down and figures out a lot of things about myself. 1. I give everything i have to my kids, if there is anything left hubby get a slice, and thn there are crumbs for me. lately it's been a slice for me a crumb for hubby and the rest of the cake for the kids.

   I have sensory prcessing disorder just like my daughter does, this causes me to be "awkward: I get that is caues a lot of poeple to not really be attaratecd to being my riend. It cause  a lot of people to talk behind my back and make up stories because they don't know me. I guess they want to same something, i guess in thier heads they want to know what is going on.


okay, so forgive me for the ranting. I need to do somthing with this inside me. I am generally happy I love my family to peices, but as much as i try to wrap my head around it, as much as i should either talk to you or let it go. I can't .

Somehow in conversation, Mister Rodgers came up. I realized he was so important because he made me feel important, and loved for who i was. For once i didn't feel weird about being sensitive, He went out of his way to make me feel like i was a part of his every day lives.
    Around the time i was watching Mister Rodgers, an important man came to be in my life. My mother's father died when she was five. When i was about five i was introducted to my step grandfather. For some reason this man show me for who i was. He could see through the outside of me and know i had a heart of gold inside of me. He went out of his way to make sure me and my family were taken care of. In many ways, he was a hero to me. This man was called papaw and in  every way desereved his title from me. He had lots of biological grandchildren but i was made to feel just as special. Sadly the world lost a great man too early. Much like Mister Rogers my grandfather's life was taken way too soon. Bone cancer slowly ate away at the man i so much admired. I walked into his hospital room. he was delirious eith pain meds, and he said "there is my little girl" I have been waiting on you. thatnks for coming to see me. I can't swear he said my name, I can't swear he even really knew who i was, but it meant the world to the eight year old that never really could find her place. My grandfather's love lasted a long time in my heart. After the years passed he had been gone longer than he was in my life. The impact of his kindness still remains. my mom told me grandpaw was in heaven taming wild lions and tigers for me to play with when i was finally ready to go to heaven. At night i woul look up at the stars and tell God to tell grandpa things for me.  I don't know how that works, but it makes me happy thinking about it. My dog cocoa and i would sit for hourrs on the porch of my grandfathers home in which he allowed my family to stay rent free. he also made a way for it to be ours even after he passed. MY parents never left that home untill right before my grandmother passed. The home was given back to his biological home. I am forever greatful to have grown up in a rural area outside of the city limits where I could catch fifrefire and admire the stars. The eight year old in me wouldn't have survived with out that home and the land. I needed it to grow up on and grandpa knew that.
    I sti here typing from a computer in my former grandmother's home this is the house my mother grew up in.my parents are allowing my kids to grow up in a house outside of city limits. They can catch fire fly and look at the stars. They can hold their dogs adn talk to the stars. :) They have the blessing of seeing their great grandmother every day in this home and in the yard.

I have decided to write. something sparked my emotions. I decided to let you know something most know all ready my sensory my ADHD and my genes make me suffer from bipolar depression I have been blessed to have found relief with supplements and better self care.
I am not depressed, I am healthy and happy it at times I have been really emotional and scared. I did what I was supposed to do and asked for the doctor to give me medication and it didn't work. I got scared I didn't try another. The supplements actually work really well for me.
  I have a best friend who loves me with his entire being. I have to kids who call me awesome.i have an excellent supportive family. I feel the need to write this to let you know the first step in getting help is asking for it. Depression is real, it  can be  dangerous. It isn't your fault. Please get help. Please ask someone if even a stranger for a hug. Talking has been a huge relief for me. after my last break down i was able to talk to my best friend about a lot of things that had been weighing on my heart a long time.  Freedom comes with asking for help sometimes it comes from putting down that heavy load and taking a minute to think.I praise God for healing.

I don't like bullies, I don't like people that go around pushing other people down so they can look better. Not only is this mean, it's stupid. It's not a good thing to do. I am a devoted person of Christian faith. I do not think that making fun of thing you don't understand makes it okay. I am personally not going around bashing people I don't understand or people who do not have faith the same as I. Or even stating that a person who is of a difference race doesn't belong in America even if they are here legally.  You would have to be a complete ignorant person not to see everything that we love and everything we hold dear was brought to use from someone who wasn't American. How can we build a nation on hate? How can we help heal a nation based on tearing down

   

NIV

  1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.4You adulterous people,^a don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us^b ? 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”^c7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.11Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister^d or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

  

Anxiety I curse the day you entered my life in full force. That night you ripped through my body like ice in my veins. I was 13. I stayed the night at a friends house. this house happened to be about an hour away from my parents house. I got to her house, nothing was like what I thought it would be. I ate dinner but realized everyone was staring at me. I was supposed to chose one of the items offered not both. I felt so silly. no one said anything to me before or after My friend was Catholic and I knew that. they prayed a little different than what I was used to, but it was cool. the mom had prayer posters everywhere in one room. she had list of name. I also thought this was pretty cool. After dinner it was a bit chaotic An older sister unexpectedly showed up for the weekend she played her CDs really loud.  we all went to the store lAter and brought home some movies to watch. they were stupid movies not bad movies but ones I wasn't comfortable with. finally we decided it was time for bed. I tried to sleep but woke up in a fit of anxiety. my friends dad had started smoking a pipe and I smelled it. to this day I love the smell of pipe tobacco but I wasn't used to it. The smell suddenly reminded me that I was away from home. I started throwing up and getting scared. I was given some pepto And realized this friend was actually pretty cool and good Taking care of me.
   this was just the first of these attacks that would happen to me on occasion for the rest of my life. in college I decided to finally take medication and do something about it. I still however got sick a lot on occasions that were new Or exciting. My body just didn't know how to react to the new smells and. Sounds. I was exhausted from taking in new stimuli. I stare at my kids playing in the hotel pool with thier daddy. I pray I don't pass this one I pray that the begin to see me taking care of myself. I pray they see me as strong and not giving in to the stupid anxiety. I pray the know where my strength comes from. I am learning on finding a stopping point before my body gives in to the anxiety.

So this isn't related to sensory issues, thank the lord.
     I have seen a lot of Facebook pages and friends posts about the grocery store Aldi. We have been going to this grocery store pretty much since we have been together. Over the years, we realized just how much money we are saving. Not to mention the time we save by not having 16 different brands of each items to sort through. I have two kids and it isn't easy to shop with them so going in and out of a grocery store quickly is a must.
   Here are few things to know before you pack your car and head out to the store. There are a few things that seem awkward at first, but realize these things are put in place to help you save money. These things are also set in place to help you out and have a quicker shopping experience. You will get used to these things, and in all honestly most employees will be happy to help you. (or at least they should) 

Bring cash or a debit card. They will not accept anything else. The employees will help out with storing your cart if they need too. you will need the pin for your debit card they can't send it through as credit. Using a credit care costs the company money so this is a thing they do to help you.

  Bring a quarter for the carts. There is a slot on the carts to slide a quarter in. Just slip the quarter into the slot, and pull the chain out.  The company does this, to prevent carts left in the lot and it helps the company with costs to pay more employees. It also leaves the employees more time to help you. you will slide the cart back into the slot later and get your quarter back.

   You can purchase bags at the store, but if you have any reusable bags at home you will want to pack them. You can also find boxes at the store if you are lucky. The boxes are great for canned foods. The store doesn't pay baggers, and the store employees do not bag groceries, This is also saves money and time. It can be hard to get used to, but you will get the hang of it. There is a shelf area at the end of the store and you can pack your groceries there. If you have little kids and it's nice outside, it can be easier to pack the groceries after you pack the kids in their seats. however don't pack them too tight because you will have to return your cart you will need the quarter right?

#  You will notice that the store starts on one end and you will follow it by asile until you get out. You don't have to but it's the natural flow of the store. I have gone against the flow and it isn't easy. you know if you miss an item and have to go get it. It's easier to memorize the aisles and make lists. but you will get used it. The store usually aren't that large and they are well organized.

# There are some items that are more popular than others. I am sure this varies by region. Here the veggies and the fruit go first. It's odd but people here don't want to pay more for organic fruit so those items tend to be easier to find. Then again, maybe they will go first. I have yet to find an item that tastes so horrible I can't stand it. most of the products at the store are better quality than what you are used to. I bet. Personally, I can't eat any other brand of chocolate other than the stores brand. Some of the Chocolate Is fair trade certified as well. If that's important to you, than you are in luck. Coconut oil is also one of my favorite things to buy at Aldi. The bottles of coconut oil are exactly the same as the ones at trader joes, however the labels are different. We will get back to my favorite things in a moment.
  # Did I mention trader joes? Oh yeah. Did you know that ALDI and Trader Joes are owned by  a set of brothers? I don't have the internet credits to prove it. I swear I read it. It makes sense to. You will see a lot of the items tasting the same. The product cases are different, but...... They taste the same. AT Christmas time I saw chocolate bars that were almost idenitical to Trader Joes.

# Watch the internet site and get the flyers for the next week while you are there. Aldi prides itself in getting unique items all the time. Last time we went we bought some character cups for the girls for 2 dollars a piece. These were the nice cups as well. sometimes housewares will have just about anything you can think of.  Over the holidays, the store will offer different types of foods that they do not normally. Wait until after the holidays and the items will be marked down extremely discounted.

#Aldi does sell alcohol. I only bought wine there once and it was gross. This was a long time ago and I have no idea what it is like now. They also sell beer. I haven't tasted it. However, I will tell you I see a lot of people go into the store just to buy wine. Some of these people look as if they are buying it for a dinner party or a restaurant. These are never shabby looking people buying it.

# At he end of the asiles by the cash register somewhere they will have cut flowers. These are high quality and greatly prices. It's like six dollars for a half a dozen roses. during holidays, they will actually buy more flowers for the store. I have also seen some potted flowers and herbs at times. I have seen people come in and buy a cart for of flowers as well.

# So, to top everything off here is a list of the things I absolutely love at Aldi, and the things I hate. I encourage you to search the internet for recipes based on Aldi items. Also check the specials. The website has a lot of amazing information and is very helpful. 

Anything organic at Aldi is almost a sure thing. Great quality and at least half the price of what's in the regular stores. Like I said before I love the coconut oil. love the dried fruits, and nuts. If you are watching sugars and want more natural items, these exists in the store. simple nature is the Aldi brand that is more health worthy, however you will need to watch these items as well. I have seen sugar free items and those with a ton of dye in them as well. Just read the labels. Thy have a choice or raw and unsalted nuts as well as those that are roasted. I found dried coconut chunks last week. I am not sure how healthy they are but they were yummy.  I did notice that dried fruit can contain a lot of extra sugar as well. so just be careful. I have found flax seeds, chia seeds, and specialty rices and grains as well. I have heard that most Aldi store do contain whole wheat flour but I have yet to see it here. I love the organic cane sugars the store has carried for about a year. These sugars are amazing and worth the extra price. We also but the maple syrup at Aldi. It seems to be a pretty high quality and it's not super expensive. The coffee is okay, it's not my favorite but they do have a fair trade brand, and they do have organic on occasion. I buy steal cut oats at aldi. I buy my dairy items at aldi. My kids don't do all dairy but we can have kefir. THey have Keifer at a great price. WE also buy almond milk and soy milk at Aldi. so my list isn't in order. but I just remembered we also buy out olive oil at Aldi it too seems to be a good quality. We buy spices here.  My daughter hit a stage where she would only eat protein bars and carbs. Those protein bars are expensive. SO before I weaned her off of protein bars I bought them at Aldi. The chocolate crunch ones are the best. We have also bought granola bars. Th cereal for the most part seems okay, however I don't buy a lot of cereal. There are also organic choices for those as well. THe graham crackers are better now than they used to be. THey are now closer to what the main brand taste like. 
   We on't buy the small snack packs but they are great. We ocassionally buy bottled water because it's so inexpensive here. We always buy treats and snacks for our car trips here. It saves a lot of money. We have also found some stores near where we vaction.
  SO, that's it for now. I have found a lot of typos but my page is starting to mess up and I can't fix it,  MAybe some day I will edit this. for now, it's here.

I have waited for the right time to write this post. Today I have a headache. I am not sure why, but it's one of those cluster headaches. I am blaming it on the glare off the snow, or some other weird infection I am making up in my head and freaking out about.
   The past few weeks have been an interesting journey for me. I had what I think was a respitory virus and I had pain in my chest. This turned into a panic attack pretty quickly. I sent the kids to my aunts next door and my husband took me to urgent care. The doctor at emergency care took it as a bad respitory infection and sent me home with prescriptions for a steroid and a cough syrup. ( a pretty intense one with codine in it.) I kinda laughed, and told my husband it was a bad idea to take those with anxiety. We both told the doctor I wasn't coughing. I guess he had seen a lot of people that week with the virus and thought I was going to get worse than better.
   I declined the cough syrup and steroids. We took the Kids to my moms and then my husband and I tried to relax the rest of the night. We called the dr the next day and made an appointment. She was convenced as much as I, that it was anxiety and depression. (this is were it gets interesting) I didn't tell her about spd, because I didn't want to explain it, and I was certin she wouldn't get it. I told her I was super sensitive to medication and to give me a super low dose. She talked to us for a long time and send me home with a prescription to celexia. WE had a mix up at the phamaracy and didn't get both the medications just one. We later picked up the other one.
     I didn't want to take the medication at night in case it would keep me up all night so I decided to take it the next day (Friday) I figured it wouldn't do anything anyway. Most people are lucky to get the meds to work in a week let alone a day. In fact, the doctor prescribed me something else to take in case these meds didn't kick in fast enough.
    For the first few hours, I was sleepy and crazy calm. I watched Netflix and tried to keep my kids peacefully as they binged on minecraft playing all day. ( I am not kidding it was like 5 hours) As time went on I was exhausted and super fatigued, I was sad,  I cried a little but and I was exhausted. THen my skin started to crawl. I felt pins and needles all over my arms and legs. I was so fidgety. I moved my feet back and forth, I swayed back and forth and had a crazy need to be held. my sweet child sat in my lap a long time and gave me big hugs. I knew something wasn't right and my heart started pounding. Oh crap it started a panic attack. Greatfully I talked my sele out of panic and  I finally called the dr's office and explained what had happened and the nurse and the PA at the clinic agreed that it wasn't a good thing. The two ladies agreed that it was weird. THe meds shouldn't have worked that quicked and that strangely. Thankful the doctor prescribed an antihistime for calming I took it, and it started to counteract the other drug. For once, I finally felt good. I swore of that medication and never took a thing since.
    I am not sure what happened, but these reactions are common. They don't happen a lot but they happen. I guess with ssri medication It acts differently with each person who takes it. I didn't tell the dr I was talking prilosac but looked online and noticed It could have a reaction with the celxia. I didn't tell the doctor I was taking omega 3 supplement. (not sure what it would do) I don't even know if those two things would have mattered.
   The cool thing is The TMJ I was dealing with seems to have improved a lot. Maybe resting and detoxing of celexia made me less stressful in some weird way. I am still using mouth splints to take care of my clinching my teeth. I still have to reschedule an appointment to get an xray of my wisdom teeth. I am also considering a new dentist who has a panoramic xray machine that would have saved me a lot of trouble. A little over a week later, my kids has detoxed off mindcraft and gotten into a better schedule. I have also vowed to take better care of my self. there are a few things I can't help as far as my situation, but I can take more time for myself. I decided to talk about things that bother me or at least write them down. There is no reason to hold on to things until I am a mess. No matter how small things seem it is still important to make them a priority and try to fix them. I decided to take time with my husband alone with out the kids instead of waiting until I am sick. Even if that means being brave and hiring a sitter with experience watching crazy kids. (ironic that used to be me) 
   I need to do that before I go crazy and need to go to the doctor. I also vowed to write in a journal again. I will try to eat better. I will try and get some exercise when I can. This is probably the hardest thing to do as I am exhausted from keeping my child alive all day.  I will do more for myself. THe biggest thing I did, (which is huge) Was pretty much cut out all coffee and most of my caffeine intake during the day. I relyed so much on that caffeine to get through the day that I think it took it's toll on me. I was too anxious during the day, and I was too exhausted to sleep at night.
  I have noticed I drag during the day, but I sleep better. I am less likely to blow up at my children verbally. (except when I am trying to use the bathroom and they want my entire attention. Then they start fighting.) I don't understand why mommy going to the bathroom means abby gets to talk to mom and sit on her lap. Maybe someday she will understand why that is weird. Nonetheless this makes my anxiety high.
      IT's been a week, so far I am drug free and trying to stay that way. I belive that proper nutrion, supplements, rest, and maybe therapy will be the way I deal with these things. I really doubt taking medication alone would ever be the right thing for me. I lack the time and ablity to adjust to drugs, I also can't take medications and be the best I can for my wild  child. I tried the medication, and it just didn't feel right, I can't physical or emotionally deal with changing and adjusting anything as serious  as anxiety medication right now.