When trusting hurts,

   When I was younger, I had a hard time trusting people I had had some great friendships but they only seemed to last just long enough for someone to get hurt. I had a best friend, some one I considered a sister. We were together a long time. Eventually life took us apart. I didn't know what to think. The sad thing was that it mad a bad impression on anyone who wanted to get close to me as a friend. My poor husband spend most our time dating listening to me talk about this hurtful relationship. I had another friend who was mutual friends with this friend. He wanted me to date him. I had no clue. looking back I realize I should have known. I however am clueless when it comes to a lot of things. Relationships aren't second nature to me. Anyway this one friend put me in an uncomfortable place when he took me to this friends house to hang out and watch movies. Maybe he didn't realize I wasn't talking to her I don't know. I am happy he took me there though it made me realize I was better off not speaking to that person at that time. This situation also took me back into the arms of my now husband
    I have no idea how to write this part, but I think it's so important that I do write about them. I think a lot of people are in the same place with these issues as I am.  I was hurt emotionally in the church. As a kid, I was a huge target for bully's. Church kids are just as mean if not more mean that those you will come in contact with anywhere else. I was awkward, so ya big target on my forehead. It felt like a big L.  (loser) It took me a long time to realize my worth wasn't with the people whom I thought were my friends.  God had blessed me a few good people over the years who have taken me as I am.
  The church family can be cruel, it can be hurtful. When a church body breaks up and separates it hurts like a divorce. It feel like abandonment. I hate to admit and it feels wrong to say it but I have never felt the comfort and acceptance in a church body that I should. When I was first married we church hopped for a long time. We had kids later on and church hopping is just too hard with two kids and one of them being very high needs makes it even harder.
  By nature I am not a follower, I am not even a black sheep. I consider my self that plaid sheep in a flock. I go against all nature color laws. I don't match I don't complement anyone. I am also loud, I like to bleat and sing. I like to eat way too much grass and I like to be lazy by that stream of watch and just watch the clouds float by. I like the sun in my woolly coat. I don't like to get a shave in the spring I like my plaid coat to be woolly and warm. 
    I am so grateful for a Good Shepard. I am so grateful that he made my plaid coat, that he knows who I am because he made me that way. He made the sun to keep me warm, and he made the stream to run through the pastures and bring me life. now, My good Shepard is still working on me. He still have to bring me back into the herd for comfort, and for safety. because, being on my own I am in more danger. I need the comfort and the healing that comes from being with the other sheep, At least I am willing to let the Shepard clean me up a little in that stream. I may even let him comb some tangles out that woolly coat now and now. I am not quite ready for a summer shave. I am not ready to let this beautifully and woolly coat be shaved off for something cooler. Maybe the Shepard will be able to tame me a little more over the years, Maybe I can find some more plaid sheep. Maybe I can learn to get along with the woolly white and clean sheep in the near by flock. In this time however I am humbled and comforted with the psalms. I realize God compared us to sheep. I know why sheep are stuburn they aren't so smart but they learn to trust their Shepard. Those sheep that are stuburn and do not pay attention to the people around them tend to get hurt and get lost. Ah I feel lost a lot. I hear the kind shepard call me name, sometimes he says ir frustrated, sometimes he says my name in kind ways but it's always firm. It's always so I hear him. I also take comfort in knowing these words from scripture.
     "Come to me all who are wary, all who are heavy in burden. Take my yoke upon you and I will give you rest". There is a rest for those who seek, there is a rest for those that are hurt and left out. " Know my Shepard cares for you as he does me. Know he will be happy to help guide you along. Take note, that sometimes that staff he uses to guide us along stings a little when he uses it on your feet. I think it has to hurt though we need to know what is going on. We need to know he is there leading us.
    I don't know what color sheep you find yourself to be, maybe it's easy for you to be clean and well groomed. Maybe you stand and listen to what the shepherd says. maybe it's hard for you to go off the path all the other sheep go on. Maybe you are the black sheep and you don't like being told where and how to go. Maybe you are that sheep that has been gone a long time and stuck in a cave. Your wool is full of a mess. You have burrs, you have blood stains from cuts, you have sheep feces and mud caked in there good. Take note, the good Shepard won't leave you there in fact he knows you are there he is waiting for you to come to him. Let me tell you a secret, if you listen you will probably realize he has been calling and taking care of you for a long time anyway. He leaves you food and water, he may even leave you something warm to comfort you. 
   Rest assured he never leaves you. He is always there. We are stubborn and look more like asses than sheep at times, but realize the Shepard knows how to woo us, he knows how to take us in. He builds us a warm shelter. He wipes us clean. If we are willing he will even give us a nice shave. He will take off that woolen filthy mess and make us feel a lot better.
    I pray you find the comfort of a flock, I pray you realize that not all sheep look alike, The only thing we have in common is we have a good Shepard who loves us and understands our ways.

I didn't know anyone read these things, but I am grateful that they do. I am gifted in the area of writing. It's easier for me to type things out than to speak them.
today has been very hard on me. I missing everyone badly. We have had Christmas parties early this year and Christmas day seems so much less exciting which I guess could be a good thing.

   Part of the reason I started this blog was to let others know, That I do deal with things differently. I am coping, I am healing. I am a kind respectful person who tries to make a difference in my community. I have good days, I have bad days. Spd sucks it really does. The pain I was dealing with last week was in my Jaw. Thankfully it has healed. I was taking ibuprofen two times a day and it was killing my stomach. I was scared to do to an oral surgeon but it seems as if things are a lot better now.I have actually started getting some rest. which is amazing.
  Let me tell you some awesome things about sensory processing disorder.
1. I am sensitive
2. I am caring
3. I can smell something burning from what seems a mile away. I once kept my parents car from burning completely up.
4. I am a nurturing person.
5. I care way too much about little things. which I guess could be a good thing
6. it took me forever to learn to drive so I am more careful now, if I am stressed out I don't drive.
7. I am great with kids, I can sense anxiety in kid and I am very good at calming them down. I am also hyper active and can't sit still long so that helps.
8. some people say that sensory processing disorder helps people have a bit of a sixth sense so to say. They seem to be closer to the spiritual side in life and sense things.
9. I am greatful to have found a diagnosis even though I was far into adult hood some of my friends didn't find out unitll a grand child was dignosed. having a reason for stange things has given me a chance to feel okay. It has helped me heal from panic and axiety.
10, I am not afraid to be me.  I am proud to be able to help my daughter and to understand some of what she is going through. I am greatful to have a chance to speak of my healing and my story. Even if spd sucks. at least I am able to share the love and healing of God.


   

First Christmas party of the list. :) We survived. I am left with a lot of strange feelings i am not sure of. Grateful to have family close. I am missing those that are in another state. I am jealous, I am content. I am perplexed. I don't need anything fancy to make me happy. It does however echo the feeling I have had all this week. I have really wondered why God gave me the challenges in my life he has. I have came to the conclusion that everyone has issues but some chose to air them out, and others do not. I am honest and blunt and when I am hurting you will know about it. I can't help it. I am having a lot of jaw pain. IT's not a sharp intense pain, but it hurts. I am not doing well and I am making everyone miserable. I know it. My child has been acting like an infant in some ways and the other is mouthing me off so much i am miserable.
   I know it's not right to judge others, especially not other believers in faith but it's hard. So many people in charge of things, and others who are leaders live such secret lives it makes me miserable even to think of it. I miss having a fellowship however i am happy to be me and live where i can.
 My child is having a hard time getting out of the house. I am having a hard time getting out with the pain I have been experiencing. I am not one to make my pain out to be greater than others but to you who understand spd. you will get it. I have been fighting off depression. and anxiety for weeks. I can't go out with friends even if i get the odd occasional invite. I don't want to have fun I want to sit on the couch in my robe and sweatpants and binge watch netflix. I am not okay. It's okay though I am not sure how but it will be. I haven't taken my supplements for days. I hope by taking the vitamins I need and getting some extra rest will help.
   
 

I decided to write this, and share it with my family and friends as well my online friends to let you know what it's like at my house around the holidays.
If you don't want to know, the please turn away now it gets worse you can't turn back.
      December comes around, I do my best to make sure to keep our lives as holiday neutral as possible. For once in my life I am actually trying to be excited to be celebrating Christmas. My anxiety is uncommonly well calm. I am able to cope better than usual. The sucky thing is that my child  doesn't know how to process the excitement. I tend to understand that a little as a kid I hated Christmas. Loud Christmas music blasting through the house. A very bright and visually stimulating Christmas tree.  My body didn't know how to process it. I wanted to be excited I just didn't know how to cope with it. I spent a lot of time in my room in the month of December. My poor parents had no idea what was going on. They just thought I hated Christmas. Looking back, I realize my dad was a little like me too. He did a lot of his shopping Christmas eve. Hardly anyone was at the mom that day and it was quiet. I was grateful for the time my dad would take me out with him. We would usually get coffee together or a treat. It was one of the only times I actually liked Christmas.

  Don't get me wrong, my parents are amazing. They didn't know about Sensory Processing Disorder but they did everything they could to make sure I was okay. I was allowed to come to Christmas dinner late with my dad. I was allowed to leave the table early. I was also allowed to come home early when I got older.  I wanted nothing more than to just stay with my parents and my brother on Christmas morning and I loved that time. M parents always went out of the way to make sure we had an amazing holiday and always asked before they tried to change things each year.

 Sensory Processing Disorder is not Fun, it makes things really messed up for the holidays. neural typical people look at the holidays and try to invent fun. They like flashy lights, and movie nights. They try to make things a little more fun than normal. We don't like that. We want things the same. We want to eat the time we usually eat, we like lights but only soft ones. (well that's e anyway. Abby seems to prefer bright ones.) We like Christmas and being with people. We like it quiet and planned out as much as we can. Some people find it rude that we go into quiet rooms and hide when things get loud, but we do it to survive. We aren't mad at anyone, we aren't upset. We need that quit time. We also don't plan a thousand things to do at Christmas time and sometimes we can only do one party once a week. Which is okay for me because well I just don't have many places to go anymore. Due to me, and my child's resistance to all things social. People just stopped asking, Friends just went away.
    At Christmas time I have seen many a kid screaming and throwing fits in grocery and toy stores. We get excited but they don't get it. They know the schedule is different, they know we eat at different times. There are weird lights all over everything. And then mom and dad throw you on a lap of a dude with a beard. ( guess it's okay though cause his suit is warm and fuzzy.) He seems to be nice, but hey mom I don't know this dude. Don't get me wrong but know that kids have it figured our that store Santa is not the real one. If the real one is like this, then hey I don't like him.

Please be a bit more kind to us right now, we are trying to cope. We may make your life a living nightmare all of December but realize we still love you. We still want to be with you. Give us some extra space and realize this isn't our normal. To us Chistmas is something we really don't understand. Plase realize that us parents are probably getting little to no sleep. So please give us some grace. Realize my head is fuzzy my jaws hurt from gritting my teeth at night. I am coping very well, but alas my child is not. I am fighting to keep things as "normal" as I can but it's hard. We as many other parents are trying to find the right way to pay for presents, the right way no to go to crazy buying too many. I am thinking we need a midnight trip to Walmart to avoid some crowds. (aybe that would work)
   We have been working hard at this, We are trying to be respectful. I beg again please be kind and respectful to us. Don't think we don't like you, and please don't stop asking us to come over. WE can go to parties we just did to do it on our terms.