Love and acceptance

I took my niece and my daughter's to see beauty and the beast this weekend. Well actually, my husband took us.  I was so incredibly excited to see it. As a nine year old girl this was my favorite movie. I felt like I was a Belle. Later on in life, I would find out it was true. I was disheartened to see the reviews and find out that one of the characters in the movie identified as a gay man. I was disheartened becuase, well so many Christians were up in arms about it. "How could Disney do this to a classic movie?" "now I can't take my kids to see, this movie I was so excited about".
   We went to see the movie anyway, I read every review I could find and I made my choice. In my house we talk about everything age appropriately. In this house we preach love. We don't preach tolerance, we don't preach acceptance we preach love. We believe that this love can only come from our Heavenly Father. We preach we aren't so good at displaying this love on our own. It's the Holy Spirit that teaches us.it is the Holy Spirit that guides us. After all, it is only through grace we are saved isn't it?
   Here is the thing that makes me so angry and sad about Christians and the way they "deal" with homosexuality, the Bible speaks of the sin  of divorce, it speaks of the sin  of lust, and gluteny , I bet you look at the list you will find something on it you deal with as well. How is okay that church memebers go to a dinner after service and stuff thier faces full of food, and forget the hungry? How is okay to then go on and on about Tom and Steve". "Oh my God Tom slept over at steve,s place last night". Oh but did you know sister James's daughter slept over at Tom's  last night"?  I am not perfect but seriously how is one okay and not the other?"
     I watched the movie, it made the character very likeable, it made him seem sad, he was trying to find some confidence and acceptance in his relationship with one of the main characters. You almost wanted to smile and clap when he found a male companion on the end. After all, Gaston was so mean and hurtful to him. He deserves something better. It did ruin the movie for me. It ruined the movie for me on this, we all deserve God's love and grace. We deserve to know we are loved and cared for by afar greater than a human companion.
     It made me sad. I was happy for Belle and the beast, I was happy that the characters were human agian and could love. I laughed. I cried when Belle walked into the library and realized that prince Adam had been well versed and loves to read as well. I rejoiced when the beast realized he loved Belle that he capable of loving a human.
    Whatever you decide to do, if you watch the movie or not, please, please, please. Realize that real love comes from the father. We are to be projecting this love to those around us. Think of your actions and your words as you go about your day.  Find a loner confused person and make sure you know someone loves them with alive far greater than any human could be.

Drama, and a family.

        So we find ourselves  alone a lot. i am just now realizing how strange it is to be home most of the time and go out on the weekends. My home is my full time job,  I live here so instead of it being a calm situation, a lot of the time it's like I never leave work. The balance between comforts of home and work of home are extremely blended here .Most of the time i am okay with that.  I am okay with going out on the weekends (which for us is Saturday night and Sunday. ) most of the time i am okay just being with my family. I am okay snuggling and spoiling my dog. I am okay with pretending my cats would still love me even if  I didn't feed them. (Cats only care about food, it's the one thing they live for. )
     I find myself typing this so i can tell you one thing, Please understand that when you are a friend of someone who has a child that requires a lot of care and consideration the parents are exhausted most of the time.  I am so grateful and i sincerely appreciate every thing you do. please don't ever feel stupid for offering to help with anything. Even if it's something we can't do we are so grateful you ask.  We have two kids, we always keep both in mind when we are considering something for them to do.
  My child who needs a lot of attention and care isn't stupid she knows she has a few challenges that makes life hard for her. she knows her mama is exhausted. She knows her sister is stressed. She also knows she can't do what he sister can right now. It breaks her heart, It breaks mine. we make a lot of choices based on the entire family. My children also have identities  of their own. This year we chose to let the little sister get some extra care. She has come first in a lot of the choices we have made. big sister gets to tag along to appointments every week when i am sure she would rather do something else. Big sister chooses to take it. She choses to sit and wait while she watches her sister get to play and be with other kids. the truth is, big sister has gotten a lot. She has gotten to go to co op classes while her little sister was at home with mom. People step to help big sister and i am so grateful. big sister has a chance to live a life outside of her sister.
    One day, I hope we can find a place for all of us to be happy. For all of us to have a place with friends and family. A place that we can be comfortable. All of us. At the beginning of this school year, i chose to have a family that made choices together. I chose to find a place we can all be happy together. I hope that's not in vain. I guess i am at the point now, I realize it might just not happen. I am not okay with splitting us up one night even if it is just a few hours a week. I understand about sleep overs and being away from the parents. one at a time is fine.
    We work as a team. We have to. I am hanging on to the arms of each one of my family members I am just too weak to do anything alone even if it is just to take one kid to a class and find something else for another kids to do. It might not be the wisest of choices. but it's where I find my strength and my sanity. and yes, my oldest is okay. She loves her sister and understands. Just in case i am setting some appointments up for her to see a therapist. It's a lot for a kid to take in. She is healing as well. this is her normal and i don't think she completely understands how hard it is. She just trucks through it. my kids are incredibly spoiled and we do all that we can to let them both know that are amazing. It's a strange place we have found ourselves in, but i am hell bent on finding what ever it is we need. We will find our place, and we will do it together,

People talk about doing good you know the Pay it forward. Everyone talks about the blessings and feeling awesome inside when a good deed has been accomplished. It seems no one wants to tell you the road is hard. You choose to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. You don't do it because it feels good. Sometimes You don't go ahead and tip the waitress because it feels good. You do it because it's the right thing to do.
     This past year has been a huge struggle for me. We chose to do somethings we felt God asked us to do. The scary thing is that it involved giving a lot of money up. It also included doing a very kind thing for a family that needed some hope. It was a hard choice to make but we felt like we couldn't hold back when God told us to give. I honestly thought time would pass faster than it has, I honestly thought God was going to magically send us a huge check in the mail to cover all of this.
We have even had to change or give up plans we had made for our kids and a vacation.
I am not saying we weren't blessed we were. People have given us money and my parents practically gave us the mini van they paid off after they bought a newer one. The blessing just didn't come the way I thought they would..
      I ended up going to the chiropractor for a few months. Paying out of pocket. I ended up going to the orthodontist twice, and buying a crazy expensive mouth guard. My car blew a piston ring. We still owe money on that car. We did get a paid raise at work. We do get ocassionally see some money handed to us.  I am greatful to my inlaws and my parents for taking up some of the slack finically for us.
   We are still blessed, I still feel good knowing we do the right thing. I do however know sometimes the blessing don't come the way we think they should. Sometimes we wait and we know God,'s blessings are better than what we expect. Just know that sometimes it really does physically hurt to do the right thing.

Some days

When everything hurts.

I do okay most days. I actually mentally feel pretty stable right now. I admit my phone has been in my hand pretty much all week unless I have been sleeping. Which I haven't,so......
I woke this morning hurting. My child has been sleeping in my bed agian and it's miserable. She weighs 60 pounds and is just about as big as I am.
  I feel like I have a respitory virus. My chest hurts when I breathe. I have had 20 ounces of coffee it seems and still nothing. I hurt. My child lost it on me when I told her no computer after being in it practically all day. She fights with me a lot, and then she snuggles and gets mad about the situation. I am trying to wean my kids off of mine craft. They had been attached to it almost as bad as me with the phone.
     I admit it's probablly to deattach to the real world. It's probablly so they can do what they want to and not have the limits like they do it real life. Damn it, I try so hard to be everything h for them, and one of them doesn't understand hard work is the only way anyone gets anything. She thinks it's handed to them. I don't think she understands the concept not because she is a brat but because it's a concept and not a physical concrete thing she can touch.
It's been a hard year, I am so ready to see it go away, physically I am healing. Mentally I am as well but gosh darn it I am exhausted.

I wonder if you would treat me the same, if you knew.
I am not one to keep secrets. I am pretty much open and honest about too many things.
Unanswered texts. Unanswered emails. I wonder if your feeling towards something else is taken out on me. I am learning to have a tougher skin. I am learning not to let other people get to me.
I hate when people judge from what they see not what they know. Wonder if you know about my struggle with bi polar depression. Wonder if you know about my ADHD. Wonder if you knew about my struggle with self worth. Wonder if you knew how much I love you.
  Would you treat me differently if you knew of my personal struggles with acceptance. Wonder if you knew I love you for who you are. I love you for your struggles. I love the way you fight. I admire  you. I just wish you would know that I am here I want to fight with you. You don't have to be alone.

All i ever wanted from you was a friend. What an amazing feeling ti was to see a real live person. wonderfully enough a girl to be a friend. you were my age, you were perfect. We spent hours and years together. I remember some telling us we were like simease twins in seperatable. that wasn't the truth but i am sure it appered that way. I remember you telling me having a friend saved your life more than once. you told me it kept you from doing really stupid things in your youth.
    When i srarted dating my husband, he heard nothing but of you. We have conversations back and forth about how this situation should be. We tried to add you to the things we did, but it just didn't work. Perople just assumed that he and i only wanted to be together and not with friends. and let me stop right there and tell you that is the things most younger married couple hate. We still wanted to hang out with friends.
      I got married and we were poor. we had nothing but we were happy. We had sex all the time like any newly wed couple. We lived off chocolate, coffee, ramen noodles, rice aroni and mac and cheese. WE also occasionally had hamburger meat from friends who gae it to us. mom would buy us fruits and veggies and we would watch sponge bob on stolen cable. (the lnadlord was the one that hooked it up not us )
   Slowly everyone started doing their own things, slowly we lost almost all of the community we had been a part of. I have gone to realize in nature people don't want to go out of a comfort zone. If the situation sucks they will run far far away.
   Life happened a few years later we saw some of our old friends. then agian quick as lighting they all went away agian. We got used to it. I guess coupless people are scared if they hang out with parents of young kids they will get the disease themselves. which in all honestly it is scary ar first.
   Then an amazing thing happened my kids all of a suden grew up, they became my best friends. but stil something just doesn't feel right.
    it pisses me off that i can live in my house for a week with out really seeing aperson or talking to a person face to face (other than people who live here)  I don't lno waht is going on. I am sure some peopel feel the exact way. I was spending time with my husvand the other night and i realized as if coming out of a dream. All of the plans i had were squashed that sometimes as lovely as lie is , and amazing as it can be over and over agian. some things just suck. some things will always be the same and some things with alwas change.
    I don't want to be the jack ass who is an umatue winning bitch about everything. Then agian i don't reall give a rats ass what anyone thinks. I feel like soneone should have to be a part of a persons life to make any judgement calls on it in the first place.
    IT's taken me about three years to really get it down and figures out a lot of things about myself. 1. I give everything i have to my kids, if there is anything left hubby get a slice, and thn there are crumbs for me. lately it's been a slice for me a crumb for hubby and the rest of the cake for the kids.

   I have sensory prcessing disorder just like my daughter does, this causes me to be "awkward: I get that is caues a lot of poeple to not really be attaratecd to being my riend. It cause  a lot of people to talk behind my back and make up stories because they don't know me. I guess they want to same something, i guess in thier heads they want to know what is going on.


okay, so forgive me for the ranting. I need to do somthing with this inside me. I am generally happy I love my family to peices, but as much as i try to wrap my head around it, as much as i should either talk to you or let it go. I can't .

Somehow in conversation, Mister Rodgers came up. I realized he was so important because he made me feel important, and loved for who i was. For once i didn't feel weird about being sensitive, He went out of his way to make me feel like i was a part of his every day lives.
    Around the time i was watching Mister Rodgers, an important man came to be in my life. My mother's father died when she was five. When i was about five i was introducted to my step grandfather. For some reason this man show me for who i was. He could see through the outside of me and know i had a heart of gold inside of me. He went out of his way to make sure me and my family were taken care of. In many ways, he was a hero to me. This man was called papaw and in  every way desereved his title from me. He had lots of biological grandchildren but i was made to feel just as special. Sadly the world lost a great man too early. Much like Mister Rogers my grandfather's life was taken way too soon. Bone cancer slowly ate away at the man i so much admired. I walked into his hospital room. he was delirious eith pain meds, and he said "there is my little girl" I have been waiting on you. thatnks for coming to see me. I can't swear he said my name, I can't swear he even really knew who i was, but it meant the world to the eight year old that never really could find her place. My grandfather's love lasted a long time in my heart. After the years passed he had been gone longer than he was in my life. The impact of his kindness still remains. my mom told me grandpaw was in heaven taming wild lions and tigers for me to play with when i was finally ready to go to heaven. At night i woul look up at the stars and tell God to tell grandpa things for me.  I don't know how that works, but it makes me happy thinking about it. My dog cocoa and i would sit for hourrs on the porch of my grandfathers home in which he allowed my family to stay rent free. he also made a way for it to be ours even after he passed. MY parents never left that home untill right before my grandmother passed. The home was given back to his biological home. I am forever greatful to have grown up in a rural area outside of the city limits where I could catch fifrefire and admire the stars. The eight year old in me wouldn't have survived with out that home and the land. I needed it to grow up on and grandpa knew that.
    I sti here typing from a computer in my former grandmother's home this is the house my mother grew up in.my parents are allowing my kids to grow up in a house outside of city limits. They can catch fire fly and look at the stars. They can hold their dogs adn talk to the stars. :) They have the blessing of seeing their great grandmother every day in this home and in the yard.