When trusting hurts,

   When I was younger, I had a hard time trusting people I had had some great friendships but they only seemed to last just long enough for someone to get hurt. I had a best friend, some one I considered a sister. We were together a long time. Eventually life took us apart. I didn't know what to think. The sad thing was that it mad a bad impression on anyone who wanted to get close to me as a friend. My poor husband spend most our time dating listening to me talk about this hurtful relationship. I had another friend who was mutual friends with this friend. He wanted me to date him. I had no clue. looking back I realize I should have known. I however am clueless when it comes to a lot of things. Relationships aren't second nature to me. Anyway this one friend put me in an uncomfortable place when he took me to this friends house to hang out and watch movies. Maybe he didn't realize I wasn't talking to her I don't know. I am happy he took me there though it made me realize I was better off not speaking to that person at that time. This situation also took me back into the arms of my now husband
    I have no idea how to write this part, but I think it's so important that I do write about them. I think a lot of people are in the same place with these issues as I am.  I was hurt emotionally in the church. As a kid, I was a huge target for bully's. Church kids are just as mean if not more mean that those you will come in contact with anywhere else. I was awkward, so ya big target on my forehead. It felt like a big L.  (loser) It took me a long time to realize my worth wasn't with the people whom I thought were my friends.  God had blessed me a few good people over the years who have taken me as I am.
  The church family can be cruel, it can be hurtful. When a church body breaks up and separates it hurts like a divorce. It feel like abandonment. I hate to admit and it feels wrong to say it but I have never felt the comfort and acceptance in a church body that I should. When I was first married we church hopped for a long time. We had kids later on and church hopping is just too hard with two kids and one of them being very high needs makes it even harder.
  By nature I am not a follower, I am not even a black sheep. I consider my self that plaid sheep in a flock. I go against all nature color laws. I don't match I don't complement anyone. I am also loud, I like to bleat and sing. I like to eat way too much grass and I like to be lazy by that stream of watch and just watch the clouds float by. I like the sun in my woolly coat. I don't like to get a shave in the spring I like my plaid coat to be woolly and warm. 
    I am so grateful for a Good Shepard. I am so grateful that he made my plaid coat, that he knows who I am because he made me that way. He made the sun to keep me warm, and he made the stream to run through the pastures and bring me life. now, My good Shepard is still working on me. He still have to bring me back into the herd for comfort, and for safety. because, being on my own I am in more danger. I need the comfort and the healing that comes from being with the other sheep, At least I am willing to let the Shepard clean me up a little in that stream. I may even let him comb some tangles out that woolly coat now and now. I am not quite ready for a summer shave. I am not ready to let this beautifully and woolly coat be shaved off for something cooler. Maybe the Shepard will be able to tame me a little more over the years, Maybe I can find some more plaid sheep. Maybe I can learn to get along with the woolly white and clean sheep in the near by flock. In this time however I am humbled and comforted with the psalms. I realize God compared us to sheep. I know why sheep are stuburn they aren't so smart but they learn to trust their Shepard. Those sheep that are stuburn and do not pay attention to the people around them tend to get hurt and get lost. Ah I feel lost a lot. I hear the kind shepard call me name, sometimes he says ir frustrated, sometimes he says my name in kind ways but it's always firm. It's always so I hear him. I also take comfort in knowing these words from scripture.
     "Come to me all who are wary, all who are heavy in burden. Take my yoke upon you and I will give you rest". There is a rest for those who seek, there is a rest for those that are hurt and left out. " Know my Shepard cares for you as he does me. Know he will be happy to help guide you along. Take note, that sometimes that staff he uses to guide us along stings a little when he uses it on your feet. I think it has to hurt though we need to know what is going on. We need to know he is there leading us.
    I don't know what color sheep you find yourself to be, maybe it's easy for you to be clean and well groomed. Maybe you stand and listen to what the shepherd says. maybe it's hard for you to go off the path all the other sheep go on. Maybe you are the black sheep and you don't like being told where and how to go. Maybe you are that sheep that has been gone a long time and stuck in a cave. Your wool is full of a mess. You have burrs, you have blood stains from cuts, you have sheep feces and mud caked in there good. Take note, the good Shepard won't leave you there in fact he knows you are there he is waiting for you to come to him. Let me tell you a secret, if you listen you will probably realize he has been calling and taking care of you for a long time anyway. He leaves you food and water, he may even leave you something warm to comfort you. 
   Rest assured he never leaves you. He is always there. We are stubborn and look more like asses than sheep at times, but realize the Shepard knows how to woo us, he knows how to take us in. He builds us a warm shelter. He wipes us clean. If we are willing he will even give us a nice shave. He will take off that woolen filthy mess and make us feel a lot better.
    I pray you find the comfort of a flock, I pray you realize that not all sheep look alike, The only thing we have in common is we have a good Shepard who loves us and understands our ways.

I didn't know anyone read these things, but I am grateful that they do. I am gifted in the area of writing. It's easier for me to type things out than to speak them.
today has been very hard on me. I missing everyone badly. We have had Christmas parties early this year and Christmas day seems so much less exciting which I guess could be a good thing.

   Part of the reason I started this blog was to let others know, That I do deal with things differently. I am coping, I am healing. I am a kind respectful person who tries to make a difference in my community. I have good days, I have bad days. Spd sucks it really does. The pain I was dealing with last week was in my Jaw. Thankfully it has healed. I was taking ibuprofen two times a day and it was killing my stomach. I was scared to do to an oral surgeon but it seems as if things are a lot better now.I have actually started getting some rest. which is amazing.
  Let me tell you some awesome things about sensory processing disorder.
1. I am sensitive
2. I am caring
3. I can smell something burning from what seems a mile away. I once kept my parents car from burning completely up.
4. I am a nurturing person.
5. I care way too much about little things. which I guess could be a good thing
6. it took me forever to learn to drive so I am more careful now, if I am stressed out I don't drive.
7. I am great with kids, I can sense anxiety in kid and I am very good at calming them down. I am also hyper active and can't sit still long so that helps.
8. some people say that sensory processing disorder helps people have a bit of a sixth sense so to say. They seem to be closer to the spiritual side in life and sense things.
9. I am greatful to have found a diagnosis even though I was far into adult hood some of my friends didn't find out unitll a grand child was dignosed. having a reason for stange things has given me a chance to feel okay. It has helped me heal from panic and axiety.
10, I am not afraid to be me.  I am proud to be able to help my daughter and to understand some of what she is going through. I am greatful to have a chance to speak of my healing and my story. Even if spd sucks. at least I am able to share the love and healing of God.


   

First Christmas party of the list. :) We survived. I am left with a lot of strange feelings i am not sure of. Grateful to have family close. I am missing those that are in another state. I am jealous, I am content. I am perplexed. I don't need anything fancy to make me happy. It does however echo the feeling I have had all this week. I have really wondered why God gave me the challenges in my life he has. I have came to the conclusion that everyone has issues but some chose to air them out, and others do not. I am honest and blunt and when I am hurting you will know about it. I can't help it. I am having a lot of jaw pain. IT's not a sharp intense pain, but it hurts. I am not doing well and I am making everyone miserable. I know it. My child has been acting like an infant in some ways and the other is mouthing me off so much i am miserable.
   I know it's not right to judge others, especially not other believers in faith but it's hard. So many people in charge of things, and others who are leaders live such secret lives it makes me miserable even to think of it. I miss having a fellowship however i am happy to be me and live where i can.
 My child is having a hard time getting out of the house. I am having a hard time getting out with the pain I have been experiencing. I am not one to make my pain out to be greater than others but to you who understand spd. you will get it. I have been fighting off depression. and anxiety for weeks. I can't go out with friends even if i get the odd occasional invite. I don't want to have fun I want to sit on the couch in my robe and sweatpants and binge watch netflix. I am not okay. It's okay though I am not sure how but it will be. I haven't taken my supplements for days. I hope by taking the vitamins I need and getting some extra rest will help.
   
 

I decided to write this, and share it with my family and friends as well my online friends to let you know what it's like at my house around the holidays.
If you don't want to know, the please turn away now it gets worse you can't turn back.
      December comes around, I do my best to make sure to keep our lives as holiday neutral as possible. For once in my life I am actually trying to be excited to be celebrating Christmas. My anxiety is uncommonly well calm. I am able to cope better than usual. The sucky thing is that my child  doesn't know how to process the excitement. I tend to understand that a little as a kid I hated Christmas. Loud Christmas music blasting through the house. A very bright and visually stimulating Christmas tree.  My body didn't know how to process it. I wanted to be excited I just didn't know how to cope with it. I spent a lot of time in my room in the month of December. My poor parents had no idea what was going on. They just thought I hated Christmas. Looking back, I realize my dad was a little like me too. He did a lot of his shopping Christmas eve. Hardly anyone was at the mom that day and it was quiet. I was grateful for the time my dad would take me out with him. We would usually get coffee together or a treat. It was one of the only times I actually liked Christmas.

  Don't get me wrong, my parents are amazing. They didn't know about Sensory Processing Disorder but they did everything they could to make sure I was okay. I was allowed to come to Christmas dinner late with my dad. I was allowed to leave the table early. I was also allowed to come home early when I got older.  I wanted nothing more than to just stay with my parents and my brother on Christmas morning and I loved that time. M parents always went out of the way to make sure we had an amazing holiday and always asked before they tried to change things each year.

 Sensory Processing Disorder is not Fun, it makes things really messed up for the holidays. neural typical people look at the holidays and try to invent fun. They like flashy lights, and movie nights. They try to make things a little more fun than normal. We don't like that. We want things the same. We want to eat the time we usually eat, we like lights but only soft ones. (well that's e anyway. Abby seems to prefer bright ones.) We like Christmas and being with people. We like it quiet and planned out as much as we can. Some people find it rude that we go into quiet rooms and hide when things get loud, but we do it to survive. We aren't mad at anyone, we aren't upset. We need that quit time. We also don't plan a thousand things to do at Christmas time and sometimes we can only do one party once a week. Which is okay for me because well I just don't have many places to go anymore. Due to me, and my child's resistance to all things social. People just stopped asking, Friends just went away.
    At Christmas time I have seen many a kid screaming and throwing fits in grocery and toy stores. We get excited but they don't get it. They know the schedule is different, they know we eat at different times. There are weird lights all over everything. And then mom and dad throw you on a lap of a dude with a beard. ( guess it's okay though cause his suit is warm and fuzzy.) He seems to be nice, but hey mom I don't know this dude. Don't get me wrong but know that kids have it figured our that store Santa is not the real one. If the real one is like this, then hey I don't like him.

Please be a bit more kind to us right now, we are trying to cope. We may make your life a living nightmare all of December but realize we still love you. We still want to be with you. Give us some extra space and realize this isn't our normal. To us Chistmas is something we really don't understand. Plase realize that us parents are probably getting little to no sleep. So please give us some grace. Realize my head is fuzzy my jaws hurt from gritting my teeth at night. I am coping very well, but alas my child is not. I am fighting to keep things as "normal" as I can but it's hard. We as many other parents are trying to find the right way to pay for presents, the right way no to go to crazy buying too many. I am thinking we need a midnight trip to Walmart to avoid some crowds. (aybe that would work)
   We have been working hard at this, We are trying to be respectful. I beg again please be kind and respectful to us. Don't think we don't like you, and please don't stop asking us to come over. WE can go to parties we just did to do it on our terms.

I can assure you that a sensory hangover is a thing. Last night I went to a school program for my child and went to eat later than usual. I came home and I did great. I then fell asleep and had a kid awaken me about an hour later. I never really got back into a real sleep all night. I woke up on the  couch with a sore neck and a migraine that made me really sick. I remember reading about sensory hangovers and now I know it's a real thing. I am exhausted, have a headache and everything hurts. Every time my kids talk, every time the lights get turned on. It's my body saying it's had way too much for the day. I kinda knew it was going to happen. I was waiting on it. What I wasn't waiting on was fighting with my child from taking the rubber stops off my head phones. She does this to every pair and somehow she found the ones I had in last night before I was able to put them up. Damn it!!! I love those headphones and now that 20.00 pair of skull candy headphones are usless. I don't know if she eats them or just hates them. She does this to every freakn pair I own. IT makes me so sick to my stomach. It's like the fact my phone is never charged because she is always on it. IT makes me mad that she thinks she can do whatever she wants with whatever she finds. She doesn't care either. Those 20.00 a pop I phone chargers get broke and yes they are returnable but seriously I think they are on to us. How many times  can you return a charger? guess we will start buying them from different store now instead of just best buy.
   Ah..... IT's been one of those days. One of those days I have spent mostly lying around yelling at my seeker for getting into trouble because I can't keep up with her today. Thank GOd for my first born who is the caregiver and the comforter. She is my angel today. She takes after her dad in this way and I am greatful. My seeker is losing it today. I mean she is having a sensory hangover as well but it's spent yelling and not stopping for three seconds to breathe.

"I know, you are perfect"

I am not sure why it was said, but in an awkward facebook message my friend said "you are just perfect". I am pretty sure she just meant that I was doing okay That I was a good mom. Or at least I am going to take it that way. I don't really see her as a person to say mean things. This message has had me thinking for days though. I really made me think of something that has been hitting my heart and
   I have seen a lot of people faking it. I see people use the right facial gestures, wear the right clothes and post the right pictures online. I failed to mention  I sense emotions. I since emotions better than I do anything else. I. I too have had a lot of social emotional issues that I have not really hidden but been very blunt about. Yes,. darn spd, adhd has allowed me to be blunt. and honest. At my age I don't hide it anymore I won't say anything bad about you, but I don't mind airing out my dirty laundry. My husband has to hit my shoulder every now and then and say "no one wants to know about that bruise on your butt" I think it's important but I guess no else does.
     I have issues, I am not perfect. I fart in public places. I have thrown up just about any place I have ever stayed the night. (until recently.) I have cried, I have had days I wanted to give my children away.  I have weeks where my kids eat pb and j more times than I am okay with admitting. I have days I spend more time mixing oils and lotions in the kitchen then I do homeschooling my kids. I have days I can't get off the couch. I have days where I am so sick with SPD I actually have to ask my kids to help me out. My kids are amazing by the way. They do understand and help out a lot.   I have had marital struggles. I have had days my depression was horrible. I have had night my panic attacks so bad I thought I was going to die.
  My healing has come first of all as a healing from God. I will be the first to admit I wish he had just healed me in a blink of an eye or a simple prayer. However God made  me learn how to heal and how to cope. The first thing I have learned to is admit that I am not perfect, I am flawed. I need my savior to heal me, I need my savior to pick me up and hold me. God has been so gracious to me and allowed me to have a wonderful husband, two beautiful girls, a precious dog, two wonderful cat, and a home.  These things have all come at a price. I have gone through stages in my ten years of marriage that some will never go through, I have also been through things that take a lifetime for others to experience.
   Far from perfect I will admit, but then again what is "perfect"? I have a large section couch my dog has claimed as hers. I love to sit in the corner with a weighted blanket and a drink. (coke and my vanilla mixture on ice is awesome) I like to stare at the electric fire insert my husband just put in. I like to sit and watch videos on my iPhone. I like to sit there and and sing. I love to pray and thank God for the millions of blessings he has given to me and my family. We aren't perfect but I call this family. And I will take it.

This is the page I created on Facebook to share resources and fun ideas. I have been adding websites that have helped us with homeschooling. Ignore the weird address. I created the page awhile back and just changed the title. Have I mentioned I am not good with computer stuff? I can just about use Facebook at that's it. I am blessed to have a husband who is actually very good at computer stuff :). If you visit this Facebook page, please like and follow so I have an idea how many people are following it.

https://www.facebook.com/Havestfestfunraiser/?ref=hl

To those who dont get it, to the ones who dont understand. Quit trying, you will never understand. Its my life and i dont get it. Quit trying to loop me into a crowd, keep talking about me behind my back. This is my life. If you love me I feel like you would understand I feel you would be okay with not understanding things. My family and I have been through so much in the past few years. We survived. I have healthy adjusted children. I own a home i rent out and i maintain another. I have two very high need children in this world of mine. I do what I can.  I dont always know what i am doing but i try. I have learned to do my best by educating myself and asking for help. If you truelly do want to help someone, than pkease ask "how can I help"? With all do respect please do not make suggestions at this point i have tried all the options I Know. We have had my child to a dozen doctors it seems and it boils Down to this I am her mother, I make choices based on what i perceive to be best. I pray God leads me through the right doors, and he closes the others very very tight. By nature i am a kind and giving person. Right now I do not feel it. I fight for my marraige as the normal and not so normal struggles loom down and threaten to take over. I need you family, friends, and strangers to give is respect and love. I am so greatful for the family that has stepped in more times than i can count. I am greatful to lookback and see those moments in time you too were scared but you helped. random phone calls from aquntances, food on my step. People who dont mind hanging out with a family that doesnt have a church family to call home. Thank you! For loving us, thank you for the horse lessons, the halloween candy my kid can actually eat. For the kindess and patience as we figure this out. Prayers the lord will bless you in only the ways he can. He sees your heart and he knows your sacrifices.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

I read an article this week, a mama with a daughter on the autism spectrum wrote and article about herself instead of her daughter. I was inspired. I thought it was about time I break out the old blogger account and write on of my own.  So, this is my lazy attempt at posting a message.
  It's been almost a years since I have had any time of anxiety, or panic attack. I find it amazing and astonishing. The last attack was at my daughter's birthday day party. I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. MY parents and my husband talked me down and I realized I was just exhausted. I can't believe I have been so calm, and I can't believe I do not feel the anxiety and stress I feel in control for once in my life.
   When I was 28 I had my second daughter Abbigail. When Abbigail was about 18 months we finally got a diagnosis that made since. Abbigail has sensory processing disorder. This disorder can mimic al of disorders and to make things clear, sometimes it doesn't follow any rules at all. Basically this sensory processing disorder takes all the sensory information into the nervous system and body at rates higher and at an faster rate than a neuro typical body would. It was the discover of Abby's diagnosis that would also change my life. When filling out paper work I had that pit in my stomach feeling that I knew sensory processing disorder is what was happening to me. This disorder is what had caused me to feel so left out as a child, a teen and an adult. I found out about my disorder the same time we found out about Abby's. I can't explain to you the joy and excitement I had found when I realized I wasn't alone in these panic attacks, episodes of fear, and anxiety. I also found our getting car sick was from the sensory issues I have. 
    A long time has passed since I realized that my "issues" had a name. I was greatful to find quite a few sites on facebook that were support group for adults as well the ones for children. It wasn't long after I started talking to adults with the disorder I realized I should start a support group for parents who were dealing with that I had been for a long time. I am still amazed to this day at how many parents do not know they have sensory perceptional disorder until they see it in a child. Sometimes the child is their own, and sometimes its a niece or a nephew. In a few situations its been a grand parent who has finally received relief even at an older age.
    My healing has taken place from finding a name to my disorder, learning through the therapist helping my daughter, and realizing it takes a plan to be able to treat my situation. I had to learn to give myself grace, and treat myself with the same respect that I had given to others. Education, support, and grace. I have also received a great teacher in my husband. One day he told me "you have to realize you can't help the way your body feels and reacts to the situation". "The only thing you can do is be able to control how you deal with it. "
 A dear online friend has written a handbook for adults with sensory processing disorder. I can't wait to share it with you when it is finally published. I have been greatful to have been a part of the facebook community as she was writing the book. I know I may be mentioned in the book somewhere, but it's a wonderful and amazing thought to realize that my disorder could in fact have helped others. .

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About Me

mary brogden

I am a homeschooling mom, who enjoys baking, learning to be more self sufficient, I love my husband, and family more than anything. I also have two furry babies ,

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Hi, I am guessing many of you know me already as I am going to post this link everywhere  can :).
Thank you for visiting and spending your time with me. Lately I have felt a need to type and make a new blog. I have never been very good at spelling and my grammar is even worse. This things have kept me for writing in the past. I have since realized that most writers have an editor or two. I also have no idea how to make a website. I guess I will just have to rely on a template for now.
   I have written a few posts lately on my other blog, but it just didn't seem right. It's time to start a new page. I will use this post to actually introduce myself to you today.
   I was 29, and in the process of getting a diagnosis for my daughter, or at least trying to. She was about 18 months old and something wasn't right. She was born at 28 weeks and we had always been watching her close to see what was going on. She wasn't speaking at the pace we thought she should be. she was frustrated very often. She also was not able to ask for all the things she needed. She was able to lead me to what she needed. This we were told was a good sign. After trying a few times we finally had therapist in place to help. It was about this time that I realized there was a reason for the way I had felt and acted for most of my life. when my daughter was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder I realized that was something I understood. I had been dealing with sensory issue my entire life. I always got car sick, I always had panic and anxiety attacks every time we went somewhere new. I needed to be with my parents even as a teenager to feel secure. I had to sleep a lot in order to function.  I could hear sounds other people couldn't hear. I was extremely emotional. I could never eat breakfast with out getting sick.  So when we had my child diagnosed with Sensory processing disorder I didn't realize it would change my life in more ways that I could even imagine.
  The older my daughter got, the more we were able to began therapy We learned how to navigate the stormy waters of meltdown town, and we learned foods and places  to avoid. When I was researching spd. I came across a few sites that dealt with spd in adults. I was able to find a few friends to connect to. I no longer felt alone in the struggles I was facing. I was able to find a method for coping, and then even avoiding many of the panic attacks that had plagued me since I was 12.
   I still suffer from depression at times. I am lonely from being at home with a special needs child, but I have been able to avoid a panic attack for almost a year now. This is huge. I was having panic attacks at least once a month before I started healing. In the past few months, I have felt a huge calling to reach out to the parents of children that have sensory processing disorder. I am astonished and amazed to find out spd. is in fact something that passes through family genes.  Many parents deal with not only a child's spd but their own as well.  We need a support system in place. We need each other.
I personally believe there is a power that comes from asking for help. There is a huge movement now on Instagram of women posting prescriptions for medication to combat anxiety and depression. I am a huge believer in getting out in the world instead of sitting on a computer but yet, I find a huge support system here I have never found anywhere else. I am strangely blunt and honest. I find it hard not to share my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to find a healing in sharing here. This isn't a place to talk to each other unless you want to. I want you to be able to read this, and I don't have to know about it. I want those that are dealing with anxiety, depression, and mental disorders to be able to come and feel peace. I want pastors and pastors spouses to come here and learn. I want friends to be able to understand. so welcome. Take your shoes off and get comfortable. it's going to be quite a ride.

      

I read an article this week, a mama with a daughter on the autism spectrum wrote and article about herself instead of her daughter. I was inspired. I thought it was about time I break out the old blogger account and write on of my own.  So, this is my lazy attempt at posting a message.
  It's been almost a years since I have had any time of anxiety, or panic attack. I find it amazing and astonishing. The last attack was at my daughter's birthday day party. I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. MY parents and my husband talked me down and I realized I was just exhausted. I can't believe I have been so calm, and I can't believe I do not feel the anxiety and stress I feel in control for once in my life.
   When I was 28 I had my second daughter Abbigail. When Abbigail was about 18 months we finally got a diagnosis that made since. Abbigail has sensory processing disorder. This disorder can mimic al of disorders and to make things clear, sometimes it doesn't follow any rules at all. Basically this sensory processing disorder takes all the sensory information into the nervous system and body at rates higher and at an faster rate than a neuro typical body would. It was the discover of Abby's diagnosis that would also change my life. When filling out paper work I had that pit in my stomach feeling that I knew sensory processing disorder is what was happening to me. This disorder is what had caused me to feel so left out as a child, a teen and an adult. I found out about my disorder the same time we found out about Abby's. I can't explain to you the joy and excitement I had found when I realized I wasn't alone in these panic attacks, episodes of fear, and anxiety. I also found our getting car sick was from the sensory issues I have. 
    A long time has passed since I realized that my "issues" had a name. I was greatful to find quite a few sites on facebook that were support group for adults as well the ones for children. It wasn't long after I started talking to adults with the disorder I realized I should start a support group for parents who were dealing with that I had been for a long time. I am still amazed to this day at how many parents do not know they have sensory perceptional disorder until they see it in a child. Sometimes the child is their own, and sometimes its a niece or a nephew. In a few situations its been a grand parent who has finally received relief even at an older age.
    My healing has taken place from finding a name to my disorder, learning through the therapist helping my daughter, and realizing it takes a plan to be able to treat my situation. I had to learn to give myself grace, and treat myself with the same respect that I had given to others. Education, support, and grace. I have also received a great teacher in my husband. One day he told me "you have to realize you can't help the way your body feels and reacts to the situation". "The only thing you can do is be able to control how you deal with it. "
 A dear online friend has written a handbook for adults with sensory processing disorder. I can't wait to share it with you when it is finally published. I have been greatful to have been a part of the facebook community as she was writing the book. I know I may be mentioned in the book somewhere, but it's a wonderful and amazing thought to realize that my disorder could in fact have helped others. .