I have waited for the right time to write this post. Today I have a headache. I am not sure why, but it's one of those cluster headaches. I am blaming it on the glare off the snow, or some other weird infection I am making up in my head and freaking out about.
   The past few weeks have been an interesting journey for me. I had what I think was a respitory virus and I had pain in my chest. This turned into a panic attack pretty quickly. I sent the kids to my aunts next door and my husband took me to urgent care. The doctor at emergency care took it as a bad respitory infection and sent me home with prescriptions for a steroid and a cough syrup. ( a pretty intense one with codine in it.) I kinda laughed, and told my husband it was a bad idea to take those with anxiety. We both told the doctor I wasn't coughing. I guess he had seen a lot of people that week with the virus and thought I was going to get worse than better.
   I declined the cough syrup and steroids. We took the Kids to my moms and then my husband and I tried to relax the rest of the night. We called the dr the next day and made an appointment. She was convenced as much as I, that it was anxiety and depression. (this is were it gets interesting) I didn't tell her about spd, because I didn't want to explain it, and I was certin she wouldn't get it. I told her I was super sensitive to medication and to give me a super low dose. She talked to us for a long time and send me home with a prescription to celexia. WE had a mix up at the phamaracy and didn't get both the medications just one. We later picked up the other one.
     I didn't want to take the medication at night in case it would keep me up all night so I decided to take it the next day (Friday) I figured it wouldn't do anything anyway. Most people are lucky to get the meds to work in a week let alone a day. In fact, the doctor prescribed me something else to take in case these meds didn't kick in fast enough.
    For the first few hours, I was sleepy and crazy calm. I watched Netflix and tried to keep my kids peacefully as they binged on minecraft playing all day. ( I am not kidding it was like 5 hours) As time went on I was exhausted and super fatigued, I was sad,  I cried a little but and I was exhausted. THen my skin started to crawl. I felt pins and needles all over my arms and legs. I was so fidgety. I moved my feet back and forth, I swayed back and forth and had a crazy need to be held. my sweet child sat in my lap a long time and gave me big hugs. I knew something wasn't right and my heart started pounding. Oh crap it started a panic attack. Greatfully I talked my sele out of panic and  I finally called the dr's office and explained what had happened and the nurse and the PA at the clinic agreed that it wasn't a good thing. The two ladies agreed that it was weird. THe meds shouldn't have worked that quicked and that strangely. Thankful the doctor prescribed an antihistime for calming I took it, and it started to counteract the other drug. For once, I finally felt good. I swore of that medication and never took a thing since.
    I am not sure what happened, but these reactions are common. They don't happen a lot but they happen. I guess with ssri medication It acts differently with each person who takes it. I didn't tell the dr I was talking prilosac but looked online and noticed It could have a reaction with the celxia. I didn't tell the doctor I was taking omega 3 supplement. (not sure what it would do) I don't even know if those two things would have mattered.
   The cool thing is The TMJ I was dealing with seems to have improved a lot. Maybe resting and detoxing of celexia made me less stressful in some weird way. I am still using mouth splints to take care of my clinching my teeth. I still have to reschedule an appointment to get an xray of my wisdom teeth. I am also considering a new dentist who has a panoramic xray machine that would have saved me a lot of trouble. A little over a week later, my kids has detoxed off mindcraft and gotten into a better schedule. I have also vowed to take better care of my self. there are a few things I can't help as far as my situation, but I can take more time for myself. I decided to talk about things that bother me or at least write them down. There is no reason to hold on to things until I am a mess. No matter how small things seem it is still important to make them a priority and try to fix them. I decided to take time with my husband alone with out the kids instead of waiting until I am sick. Even if that means being brave and hiring a sitter with experience watching crazy kids. (ironic that used to be me) 
   I need to do that before I go crazy and need to go to the doctor. I also vowed to write in a journal again. I will try to eat better. I will try and get some exercise when I can. This is probably the hardest thing to do as I am exhausted from keeping my child alive all day.  I will do more for myself. THe biggest thing I did, (which is huge) Was pretty much cut out all coffee and most of my caffeine intake during the day. I relyed so much on that caffeine to get through the day that I think it took it's toll on me. I was too anxious during the day, and I was too exhausted to sleep at night.
  I have noticed I drag during the day, but I sleep better. I am less likely to blow up at my children verbally. (except when I am trying to use the bathroom and they want my entire attention. Then they start fighting.) I don't understand why mommy going to the bathroom means abby gets to talk to mom and sit on her lap. Maybe someday she will understand why that is weird. Nonetheless this makes my anxiety high.
      IT's been a week, so far I am drug free and trying to stay that way. I belive that proper nutrion, supplements, rest, and maybe therapy will be the way I deal with these things. I really doubt taking medication alone would ever be the right thing for me. I lack the time and ablity to adjust to drugs, I also can't take medications and be the best I can for my wild  child. I tried the medication, and it just didn't feel right, I can't physical or emotionally deal with changing and adjusting anything as serious  as anxiety medication right now.